100 Days

7 more Wednesdays until we move. I cannot wait. No more waking up to pee stained carpets or carpets that smell like pee or carpets. We'll be able to keep our windows open and not have passers by hear us or see us. Everything will be new and one level. We'll have more windows. I am not excited about the bathroom I think it's like our old place with a short cabinet which isn't going to be an easy transition. The fact that there is also only one poses a problem. We've managed in the past though and we'll be fine with it eventually. I'm also excited about not having stairs. These stairs are always dirty and again, carpeted. I don't know how the roofs do it with only their kitchen and bathrooms without carpet. It's terrible. Yesterday at work was better than most. Everything that has been going badly turned around and went good for a change. I hope it was because I've been raking in enough credit with Karma to get a good day, or possibly a week. I s...

Yesterday was a hard day for America. It was the Las Vegas shooting as well as Tom Petty died at 66. There are reports that over fifty people died in vegas and hundreds were injured. It's the worst shooting in American history. Apparently the guy passed all the background checks and no one saw this coming. Apparently he camped out in his hotel room overlooking the concert and just started shooting. He even reloaded before any new what was going on. They say he even had bombs in his room. He ended up turning the gun on himself before anyone could get to him. These are the times we live in.... I'm not sure what is worse, feeling numb with that situation, or not being surprised that it happened. I intentionally stay away from large crowds because of these types of things, and am constantly aware of my surroundings so I'm not in a situation like this. It's terrible to think that that's become a lifestyle. I want to donate blood to help with the need of saving othe...

I think I shared some of my dark thoughts with Matt this weekend. I've realized that it's become an issue and I need to read about what to do to not have these thoughts. I also think I'm going to be limiting my drinking for awhile so I can really get a handle on these things.  I've started following a bunch of podcasts and am reading articles about which books help with this type of thought process. I believe I have a inferiority complex as well as a hard time feeling vulnerable with others. Thankfully there's a lot to learn on both subjects which makes me feel hopeful. I don't want to be the crazy one that ends the marriage because I pushed Matt away.  I've thought about counselling but want to try things on my own first. If I still feel this way in 4 months, or worsen in the next 4 months,  then I will go talk to someone.  I also know that a lot of this has to do with work and how bad it is. I really need to step up my game with finding a new career....